END OF JULY TRIVIA QUESTION

Ok folks - for an autographed copy of my as-of-yet unpulished autbiography....

TRIVIA QUESTION:

name all the children in Salinger's 'Glass' family... ready... and... go!!!

I'm so broke... I'm unfixable

Yo guys what up - I'm totally broke - flat fucking broke, like I have twenty-two dollars in my bank account. I think it might be time to give in to the real world and get a job I hate with people I despise just so I can make enough to spend it so fast It'll be like I never had it at all. I knew this day would come and here it is - so what am I doing? I'm selling my things to pay off my debt. I've got so much random shit that we could make a deal on. This isn't so much a blog right now as it is a sales pitch for old records, philosophy books, any kind of books, dvds, videos, video games, autographed sports memorabilia, pens, pencils, posters of bands of all shapes, sizes and kinds - furniture - you need furniture; i've got a desk and a dresser and a bookcase with your name on it, all for very very low prices... hmm what else do i have around here - how bout a beer... no I think i'll have that myself right now - last one... then maybe go for a drive... I'm selling it all - everything except my steve Mcqueen movies, my computer (my steve mcqueen poster) and my copy of Raise High The Roofbeam Carpenters and Seymour an Introduction by J.D. Salinger. You want a 21" tv? Got thirty bucks? THEN IT'S YOURS!! I'll even fuckin' delivery it right up to your front (or back, depending how you like it) door if you're in the tri-state area. Ok folks new news.... I've been working with my close friend and peer Mr. Eric March on some songs that are almost ready to be let loose upon the world... Let me rephrase this.... The world is almost ready for us... Songs about women, blow-jobs, rotten women, rotten men, relationships, liking the right baseball team and AMERICA! Yes - we will be making our as of yet untitled debut sometime in late August/Early September so look out world! Back to the piano... I'm not actually going to drink and drive - dire as it is, life has it's benefits.

Last Two Trivia Answers

Here are the answers to last weeks trivia questions...

TRIVIA QUESTION:

How many times can a director piss you off before you take a tire iron to his head?

ANSWER: AS MANY AS HE WANTS.


TRIVIA QUESTION:

How many roads must a man walk down, before he has to stop to take a piss?

ANSWER: DEPENDS ON HOW STRONG HIS BLADDER IS.

Go play yer fuckin piano and save yerself

The way of the world never ceases to amaze me. You're tryin' to keep a grip on reality and stay grounded and in the moment in life... Trying to do your best every fuckin day. You think that you might have a few things figured out in this cluster fuck called life and then you get smacked in the face with a big dose of reality - someone's walking down the street, running an errand and then BAM heart attack, collapses and dies. 43-year old woman, known her my whole life - kept shit the family business' shit together - kept the office from falling apart. How do you take this dose of reality? What are we to do when the totally improbably happens? Where do we turn for solice, for the strength to keep going in spite of the fact that we're all gonna end up on the cutting room floor? I think I'll go to the piano...

Tire Irons and Tiger Lilly

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"I JUST WANNA SING SOME SONGS, FOR THE PEOPLE I LOVE AND GO TO THE BAR WHEN THE SHOW IS DONE" - Joe Iconis

Tire irons don't come in all shapes and sizes, but maybe that's a good thing. What does one need a tire iron for besides changing a flat? Well my friends I'll tell you. I could use a fucking tire iron right now. What would I do with it... Well hypothetically (I feel i have to put hypothetically in here because one time i put a short story up online in highschool and the cops came to my house to commit me because they thought I was going to demolish the school with a bleach bomb)... hypo-fuckin-thetically I would take that tire iron to the head of the douchebag in charge of keeping me and my fellow (recent) NYU alumni in fucking purgatory, while he stands on-stage and sucks the dick of the sound of his voice. FUCK FUCK FUCKING A JESUS CHRIST ON A FUCKING STICK IN THE RAIN GETTING POKED WITH A STICK BY A GARBAGE PERSON CLOWN!!!! AH GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE - I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND RELAX - AND BY RELAX I MEAN GO WATCH THE GAME AND GET CRUNK. Let me out of here... please God, what have I done to deserve such misery. I love this space though - I mean, Town Hall as fucking awesome acoustics... hmm random, yea. Ok Jared shut the fuck up. You shut up man, I'm just trying to look at the bright side here, it's a really great hall to sing in. Yea dude, but this process is like God taking a giant shit on my face and making me eat it.... wait ... I think I just plagurized myself, cause I somehow remember writing that exact sentence very recently.

Oh man - ya know these kids, these kids up here ( i guess we're not really kids, we're all around 21 here, but... yeah we're still kids; i don't wanna grow up... seriously I've got the hugest fucking Peter Pan complex in the world.... Seriously though I want to dress up in green tights and fly around fucking with Pirates and Indians all day... What would be the PC term for the "Indians" in Never Never Land? Native Never Never Landers? Yea... ok.... So seriously, I'd wake up, bake, take a morning fly around the island, go for a swim with some hot ass mermaids, then play some Baseball in the sky... hmm. Around noon I would totally go fuck with Captain Hook and then make it back to the mountains in time for a little tryst with Tiger Lilly before dinner.).......

Tiger Lilly rocks
All my dreams are found in her
Never Leave Never

Wow, ok that was like the longest fucking tangent in the history of tangents. What I was going to say though, was that all the people in this show/revue/showcase... revue? Concert. Ok, yes it's a concert - all the people in the concert are pretty cool and are all basically good and talented people to want to produce some art they can feel proud of, which I totally respect. Damn son, this shit is tearin me up - I wanna scream, or punch the wall, or masturbate and ejaculate in JFroomkin's eye socket so instead of crying tears, he cries jizz for the rest of his life. Wow, i really really really like that idea. And wouldn't you know it, what a coincidence, here's the talented Lauren Marcus and crew right in front of me onstage about to sing Mr. Snow again...

Mister Snow's herring
Come from his round-bottom boat...
My Fav'rite perfume

I shall return soon
Gots to check the Yankee game
Back in a flash bitch(es)

TRIVIA QUESTION:

HOW MANY TIMES CAN A DIRECTOR PISS YOU THE FUCK OFF BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY TAKE A TIRE IRON TO HIS HEAD?

Note: I realize that the last couple trivia questions have been quantitative problems and not as "TRIVIA ORIENTED" as they should be... but I promise, soon I'll have some questions that'll have you googling and wikipediaing your little hearts out... btw - there will be prizes awarded to anyone who answers correctly... prizes and treats and fun... ok - peace

A Quick Note About The Yankees

The greatest team in the history of professional competitions has finally come around. After sweeping the Devil Rays in today's double-header, I'm fully confident that not only will the Bombers make the playoffs, but when we meet the Redstockings at the end of August, we are going to be in first place with Bostn trailing by one... How do we do this? We kick ass... and you know what - we will continue to kick ass... because the Yankees are the shit... and I believe in the Yankees!

Does anyone have a firearm?

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"What the Scag?" - Ike McCauley

Ok, so I'm sitting in Town Hall on 43rd st. watching the fucking fabulously talented Lauren Marcus sing Mr. Snow. I should be enjoying this brilliant interpretation of some good ole R&H, but I can't. Why, well the people in charge of this "Broadway's Rising Stars" at Town Hall this monday are driving us fucking crazy. I don't think I'm alone in my opinion. In fact I know I'm not. No schedule. No organization and hey, two days before the show opens, let's have Jared not sing Being Alive cause he's not "Acting it enough"......... Ok. Ya know what - now i have a smile on my face, because i stopped typing and looked up at this adorable little girl (I mean, this young lady? Young woman? Whatever) and well... she's the perfect little Ms. Pepperidge if I do say so myself.

Wow I just re-read this thing.... I bitch too much about shit that doesn't matter.

Ok - some fun stuff. Friday night saw the world premiere of the first ever Joe Iconis Mini-Musical Triple-Feature @ Ars Nova which I was lucky enough to be a part of. It was certainly a fun night - great group - yea, I kinda wanna work with this group of "rogues and rebels" forever. Who might this group be you ask? Just the most supremely talented individuals in the entire world... Guys! Go to mrjoeiconis.com and listen to his music - it's gonna save the world from it's bloated egotistical self-induldgent complacent bubblegum, shrink-wrapped pop bullshit that's been polluting our ears for far too long. Anyway - yea I love singin this guy's songs and readin his words and if you don't... well that's your opinion and everyone is entitled to their own, even if it's wrong...

Does anyone have a firearm? I feel bad taking life.. it's morally wrong... So maybe I should rephrase the request.
Does anyone have a magic remote control with a mute button that ACTUALLY works on people?


TRIVIA QUESTION:

How many roads must a man walk down, before he has to stop to take a piss?

Trivia Question Answer

Here's the answer to last week's triva question:

Question- WHY CAN'T A WOMAN BE MORE LIKE A MAN?

Answer- A GENETIC FAULT IN ALL WOMEN THAT CAUSES THEM TO BE MOODY, IRRITABLE, UN-CLEAR, INDECISIVE, OVERLY-DRAMATIC, OVER-BEARING AND ETERNAL NAGGERS,,, (NAGGERS=ONE WHO NAGS)

4:32 AM... Can't sleep

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"YOU GO YOUR WAY
I'LL GO YOUR WAY TOO." - LEONARD COHEN

And I know I should. I mean I realy really should try and fall asleep... but I just can't. I have an ungodly morning planned - but i'm going to expect disaster at this particular rehearsal, that way when it crashes and burns and i'm sitting around for three hours when I could be working on something worthwhile instead of spending an eternity some song, sung by by some Jewish woman with a new york accent... Fuck Streisand. douche bag, plain and simple. So when life goes arry tomorrow morning and I want to kill the person in charge for having 10 meter long iron rod lodged up his ass, I'll be able to deal with it beacuse I prepared for the worst. Realism...

Shameless plug!!!! COME SEE ME AND A FABULOUS CAST IN: THE JOE ICONIS MINI-MUSICAL TRIPLE FEATURE; A NIGHT OF THREE ASS KICKINGLY CLEVER, FUNNY AND IRREVERENT MUSICALS DIRECTED BY MY BOY JOHN SIPMKINS AND WRITTEN BY THE MAN HIMSELF MR. JOE ICONIS. ONE NIGHT ONLY!!!!! @ ARS NOVA ON 54TH ST. FOR TIX AND INFO, VISIT mrjoeiconis.com AND FOLLOW THE LINKS FOR THE TRIPLE FEATURE MINI-MUSICALS. IT SHOULD BE A RACOUS, WILD NIGHT FULL OF GROIN GRABBINGLY EXCITING MUSIC, WORDS AND A CAST OF MUSICAL-THEATRE NEER-DO-WELLS THAT WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET YOU OFF... PSYCHO-META-PHYSICALLY SPEAKING...

A little Hopefulness goes a long way

It's Been a while... but then again, not so long. Summer is by far the worst season. Why God created summer will forever escape me, because it just breads rottenness. Yes, rottenness. It's hot, it's muggy, no one wants to be cordial or understanding and at the same time, every one expects you to accommodate them! The summer causes people to do terrible things. The hot, sweat from a day of toiling away at a computer drips down your face slowly, leaving a tiny stain on your shirt. You'll be talking on the phone walking down 9th street and you'll try to hang up, but the phone is still sticking to your cheek from all the sweat. Makes you wanna scream, or cry... sing a gospel tune. Maybe write a poem or practice my Jai alai. Go down to the ole fishin' hole with a fresh sapling; gonna catch a trout for Ma and Pa to throw on the grill for dinner... See; all the heat is driving me in to a nonsensical hallucinatory rant.

People do a lot of awful things in the summer. Then again, people do a lot of awful things year round... One awful thing is my beloved New York Yankees the greatest team to compete at anything ever) are playing sub-par baseball. I won't say they're sucking, cause I love them that much and all, but seriously (OK they won 3 out of 4 against the twins) their record is 40-42... SUB -PAR. And this isn't golf where you're supposed to be sub-par. People do a lot of rotten things. And most of them... some of them are the result of miscommunication. I can attest to this personally, as most of my problems are the result of miscommunication. But sometimes those rotten things that people do, aren't a result of miscommunication at all... They're the result of Rottenness! Some people are really just that fucked up, that they can't see past the end of their own nose, and notice that holy crap... THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET TOO!

The other day I was feeling very blue. So I decided to hop in my car for a cathartic drive... hmm. What to listen to, what to listen to. I'll just listen to whatever's on. What was in the CD player? Garrison Keillor and The Hopeful Gospel Quartet! I listened to the soft low brassy baritone pontificate on Lake Wobegon, Mid-Western life, religion and rhubarb pie. Oh isn't it time for a piece of rhubarb pie (which I don't particularly care for) but the way Garrison Keillor sings about rhubarb pie, it almost makes me wish I knew what a rhubarb was. Keillor and two women and a guy from Prairie Home Companion were singing before a broadcast in the Fitzgerald theatre one night and decided that the four of them sounded pretty good in a stair-well. So I've been listening to this CD over and over again for a week now; listening to songs like The Lord Will Make A Way Somehow, My Rock, and There is a Fountain. Who doesn't like four-part gospel harmony!? Now, I was raised in the Catholic persuasion (The Hopeful Gospel Quartet are Lutherans from Minnesota), but I've since converted to heavy narcissism. These songs still make me feel happy somehow. Maybe I just listen to a lot of Prairie Home Companion, but for some reason it really lifts me up. To put a bow on GK and The HGQ, I don't think you have to believe in Jesus, to sing about Jesus. Am I right? I don't know. The idea that 95% of the world is convinced of some higher power scares me. Did I not get the memo or something?

On to something entirely different... Ok, so I've been writing and organizing material, and pretty soon I will unleash Desperate Times: A Song Cycle on the unappreciative public. That means that in a couple months, you people out there reading this are gonna have to show up or else no one will come. We're about half way there as far as polished material is concerned. Look for songs about whiskey, miscommunication, rottenness, women and rotten women... I don't want to be dubbed a Bukowski-type woman hater here. I'm not. I love women, some of them. Hot lesbians are teases and I don't know how to act around them. Women are great, they make me feel amazing... sometimes. But it's just that much easier for me to write a song about the numbered instances where a woman makes me want to drive off a cliff, than to write one about the wealth of joy and gladness the gentle sex brings to me. I'm thinking an August debut perhaps. Maybe some duets, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.