Delusional Prose

Something's missing here. I'm not sure what exactly. But something's missing.

There's a bit of an emptiness inside, a nothing that's starting to take it's toll on me. Maybe I need a change of locale. Or better yet, i'd love to have that procedure Jim Carrey goes through in Eternal Sunshine that erases memories that cause him anguish... That'd be nice - selective memory deletion. If I didn't dwell so much, I'd be a much more productive person - happier too. But ya know; there's something in my brain that's just triggered to dwell on loss - mull it over untill it's been fully mulled. My brain doesn't stop there though - even after the loss has been fully mulled - this old brain keeps mulling and dwelling over the loss. It's like grinding axel against pavement. The tire's burned away and I'm just grinding it out, trying not to notice the insanely bumpy ride.

I try and block out the bumps and skids and horrific screeching noise in my ears, but it won't go away on it's own. Left with nothing but myself, I remain dissatisfied. What's so wrong with loving external stimuli. What's so wrong with loving something more than you love yourself? I don't know. So I mull this over for a while and come to the conclussion that whatever conclussion I come to; I'll still be stuck with the loss, not feeling any better about it.

Conclusion: Ignorance is bliss?

Shall I continue to ignore the loss? Shall I pretend it doesn't exist, like you do with the proverbial woman who 'done you wrong?'

Can ignorance lead to enlightenment? If I block something out for so long, supress the emotions that these evil thoughts stir up, tell myself over and over again that the problem doesn't exist, will I eventually convince myself it's true? The problem... the loss will always be there, but if I tell myself it doesn't exist enough times, perhaps, in my head, that will make it so. Perhaps delusion is the key to salvation. After all, one man's delusion could most certainly be another man's truth.

So, I'll continue my search for inner truth, with a few delusions along the way. For the moment, I'll delude myself in to thinking that everything is gonna be alright.