I guess I wanted to destroy something beautiful

Spontaneous (un-edited) recounting of the other night:

I saw her there from across the room and turned away quickly lest the right side of my face start quivering and twitching the way it does when I'm nervous. Let me be perfectly frank. Would you like to no what kind of conversation goes on in my head before I turn to face her again? Did she see me? Does she like me? Does she know my name? Why can't I stop twitching? WHy can't I just concentrate? Whats the matter with me? In the milli-second it takes for the myriad of self-debasing thoughts to fly through my brain, I turn around to see her at the bar ordering a drink. I stared there intently at her blue eyes... I could see God omnisciently directing the universe and the affairs of humankind with wise benevolence in those eyes... there's providence in your face... hope filled and beautiful girl, let me stroke your cheek, that I may feel a tingle run up and down my spine. The good kind of tingle that makes you feel happy you were able to wake up today... Too many late nights. She was situated in such a manner that her hips seemed to be resting upon my eyes... thinish, with long sturdy legs and soft blonde hair... short enough with heels on to call her height average. Her chest was below average in the sense of volume... but if one could measure sex, one would have to get a larger tape measure when it came to her... her soulfilled fuck me eyes screamed 'lust for me heathen' everytime she glanced over in my direciton... She's glancing over in my direction! What do I do? Never remember what to say, you never remember what to say... don't focus on that right now - look at her looking at you looking at her looking down at the broken heel of her shoe Her soft white cheeks made me want to cry, or write a poem or pet a puppy, or jump on her and ravage her mercilessly till I fall asleep. Her smile is what did it... it sent me off my ends it did. A thousand thoughts racing through my head and I can't think of one to say to her. Just go up and talk to her... it hasn't been that long, you know she remembers you... whats the deal? You're a pussy... with no balls is what the deal is. You want to talk to this girl, but there's an aura, no, a forcefield of Unatainability that you have created around her. You wanna love this girl... no you want her to love you, cause in the last five minutes you've fallen head over heels for her and what do you do? What do you do? You lope around the room talking to yourself, thinking of the right thing to say instead of just living and speaking.... that's the problem... you're alive allright.... but you're sure as hell not living buddy.

I left the bathroom with blood on my hands... I'd used all of Mary's bath towels to clean up the sink and the floor and tub, but blood stained through the arms of my shirt... I rolled up the sleeves thinking of a solution... Unbutton your shirt you fool... now what.... tear off your undershirt and tie it around your fucking forearms before you bleed to death you moron... oh right... of course. Leaving Mary's bathroom spotless I exited cautiously in to an empty living room. Where could the guests have gone? Still i see her eyes, now in shadow, slumped over the couch, blood dripping from mouth... her lifeless pretty blue eyes still staring out across the room seemed to sharpen as I kneel down to caress her cheek... but i held back for fear that my touch would somehow wake her up. It didn't have to end like this. Bloody and broken, stockings torn, skin ripped to shreds... she could have had it all but she didn't... I could have had her, but I didn't...