I guess I wanted to destroy something beautiful

Spontaneous (un-edited) recounting of the other night:

I saw her there from across the room and turned away quickly lest the right side of my face start quivering and twitching the way it does when I'm nervous. Let me be perfectly frank. Would you like to no what kind of conversation goes on in my head before I turn to face her again? Did she see me? Does she like me? Does she know my name? Why can't I stop twitching? WHy can't I just concentrate? Whats the matter with me? In the milli-second it takes for the myriad of self-debasing thoughts to fly through my brain, I turn around to see her at the bar ordering a drink. I stared there intently at her blue eyes... I could see God omnisciently directing the universe and the affairs of humankind with wise benevolence in those eyes... there's providence in your face... hope filled and beautiful girl, let me stroke your cheek, that I may feel a tingle run up and down my spine. The good kind of tingle that makes you feel happy you were able to wake up today... Too many late nights. She was situated in such a manner that her hips seemed to be resting upon my eyes... thinish, with long sturdy legs and soft blonde hair... short enough with heels on to call her height average. Her chest was below average in the sense of volume... but if one could measure sex, one would have to get a larger tape measure when it came to her... her soulfilled fuck me eyes screamed 'lust for me heathen' everytime she glanced over in my direciton... She's glancing over in my direction! What do I do? Never remember what to say, you never remember what to say... don't focus on that right now - look at her looking at you looking at her looking down at the broken heel of her shoe Her soft white cheeks made me want to cry, or write a poem or pet a puppy, or jump on her and ravage her mercilessly till I fall asleep. Her smile is what did it... it sent me off my ends it did. A thousand thoughts racing through my head and I can't think of one to say to her. Just go up and talk to her... it hasn't been that long, you know she remembers you... whats the deal? You're a pussy... with no balls is what the deal is. You want to talk to this girl, but there's an aura, no, a forcefield of Unatainability that you have created around her. You wanna love this girl... no you want her to love you, cause in the last five minutes you've fallen head over heels for her and what do you do? What do you do? You lope around the room talking to yourself, thinking of the right thing to say instead of just living and speaking.... that's the problem... you're alive allright.... but you're sure as hell not living buddy.

I left the bathroom with blood on my hands... I'd used all of Mary's bath towels to clean up the sink and the floor and tub, but blood stained through the arms of my shirt... I rolled up the sleeves thinking of a solution... Unbutton your shirt you fool... now what.... tear off your undershirt and tie it around your fucking forearms before you bleed to death you moron... oh right... of course. Leaving Mary's bathroom spotless I exited cautiously in to an empty living room. Where could the guests have gone? Still i see her eyes, now in shadow, slumped over the couch, blood dripping from mouth... her lifeless pretty blue eyes still staring out across the room seemed to sharpen as I kneel down to caress her cheek... but i held back for fear that my touch would somehow wake her up. It didn't have to end like this. Bloody and broken, stockings torn, skin ripped to shreds... she could have had it all but she didn't... I could have had her, but I didn't...

Girl

It's a crowded room
and i think i might be leavin' soon
cause even though the place is packed i feel all alone

I feel their stares,
their callous disconnect bewares me
I shiver as they look away with misconceived conceptions

they might think i'm crazy or outta this world
but i don't give a damn
if you don't like my run-on sentences it's just the way that i am

Pretend like you don't care
but i can sense your annoyance, i swear

You placate me with nods and smiles
but I catch your vacant stare, not taken in by my sweet wiles

Yeah, I know you mind how i spend my time
Cause I'm a clumsy bumbling lunatic, half-out of my mind

I'm a thousand thoughts away, no i don't hear what you say
Maybe we can talk another time another day
Maybe i can deal with it another kinda way

Can you Seemour?

You sensitive aesthete, never do what your told
Watch out for the trees, keep your eyes on the road

I know you wanna die before you get old,
Cause you walked to the beach with a wish
In hopes of catching some bananafish

You’d never eat too many, cause then you’d be stuck
With a swelled up head and shit out of luck

I think it’s time you stopped hangin’ out with four year old girls –
I know you mean no harm, but it’s the kinda thing that sends some people for a whirl

So I won’t let you play and I won’t let you moan
I won’t make you wait up all night by the phone

I’ll fall asleep until you come home
Why oh why’d you pull out that gun
I know that you don’t wanna hurt no one

But yer a person too
It’s scary but it’s true
But... If you blow your brains out... I wanna be there with you

Leaves

Blown by the wind, her wavy brown hair tossed in the breeze,
careless as leaves in the fall
But what does it matter if my life is in shambles
what does It matter if I can’t have you

Little Oranges and Little Blues

Nostrils bloody, soul on fire, finger nails chewed to the bone
I think on you and what you owned
Since you’ve gone things aren’t the same
Now I walk the long abysmal desert plane alone

There’s nothing up there for you to feel
Why’d you gotta risk it, There’s nothing up there at all
Cause you feel too much and know why you’re wrong
Your drugs and your shrugs of distaste won’t change the fact that you’re gone

And I hope you are happy with the things that you chose
I’m long lost and lonely for another one of those
Silently screaming through fog and through pills
Uppers and downers I shiver and chill

Let me in closer and feel how I hurt
See the sunshine faking through me
Feel me closer, you’re getting to me
I can’t stay, follow me, follow me, hold me in your arms and show me that you’re there
Show me I’m not the only one who cares

Tell me that you don’t wanna see
What I don’t want you to know
When you go do bed at night I’m left alone
It’d be cool if you didn’t go
But if you do

Then I hope you are happy with the things that you chose
I’m long, lost and lonely, drunk to my fingers and toes
Silently screaming for help and for pills
Uppers come down and I shiver and chill

You can’t take it with you
Always alone
Can’t take it with you

I dunno but something in you wants to be numb
Something in me wants to be numb
I don’t wanna feel
I don’t wanna heal
Something wants to burn out
Something wants to expire
Somethings wants fuel on the fire
I wanna scream and kill insensitivity
I wann flee and take it all with me
Wanna fly wanna cry wanna die

Let Me In

There’s lots of people I’d like to forget
And places that empty me out
wish I could find you, but so far away
cross a lifetime, an ocean, a trivial day
a trivial game we’d play
holding eachother, but not knowing why
but who got blamed that day
when you suddenly left me, to feel more pain

they took you and chained you and hurt you and pained you and scarred me
I thought you had left not for now but for good

totally alone
in this world I no longer roam
my head has been disowned
by the light of the night that has killed my sight

when they took you, I fell in to darkness, feeling cold and afraid
I try to feel you – I want to be deeper than before
Let me in closer and feel how I hurt
See the sunshine faking through you
Feel me, feel me, let me feel you breath, easy and painlessly

I wanna go back to the way that things were
Cause I’m drunk lost and lonely for a version of her
But a version of her wouldn’t help me at all
Cause a version of her, wouldn’t be her at all

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ARABIA

I wish i was t.e. lawrence in arabia fighting the turks in a white and golden silk robe - a robe of the beniwaj... i am not arab - no i am.... american? is that the idea? Someone tried to kill me the other day. I was driving down route 22 north towards home coming back from the super stop and shop in north white plains when i pull up to a stoplight at the intersection of route 22 and route 120 right near home... this douchebag in a blue fuckin van rolls down his goddamn window and says to me "who the fuck taught you who to drive!?" I simply sit there in my mother's white mercury mountaineer as he reiterates: "who the fuck taught you how to drive?!" - My father taught me how to drive sir, and he's a much more moral man than you... no in all seriousness i was probly tailgaiting this guy about a mile back, but really??? really??? "how the fuck old are you?!" "How the fuck old are you?!" so me... in my wry sort of holy-er than though attitude said "old enough to know you're a fuckin dick" - the light then turned green and we sped off down the highway - racing madly - i sped up and he sped up - i slowed down so he slowed down - this fuckin bastard prick who must have been drunk on somethin' rolled down his window (we're goin 65 mph by this point on the highway neck and neck - deathproof shit) and threw a fucking hard white object that looked like a block of ice on my windshield! what the fuck!!! oy vey what was this guy thinking - i'll tell ya "i'm gonna kill that white boy" that's what the fuck he was thinking - damn't!!!

we're racing down the highway Vanishing Point style except i'm in a soccer mom-mobile not a hot 1970 dodge charger... when he throws that white shit at my windshiled i slam on the breaks - i'm basically fucking the gaurdrail at this point - he cuts right and breaks right in front of me - i'm stunned sitting in my car at this point - cause this motherfucker just almost ran me in to the fucking guard rail - i'm thinking what the fuck is he thinking cause i could been killed! - all of a sudden this psycho gets out of his van and starts running towards me shouting "GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE CAR! GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE CAR YOU BASTARD!" - if i wasn't scared before - i just shit my pants. Locking the doors i slammed on reverse and got about twenty feet before i realized this was a major intersection and there were about 15 cars right behind me... this bastards keeps running at me and screaming "get outta the fucking car, i'm gonna kill you motherfucker!!!" and starts banging on the hood - i try to go forward but he keeps throwing his body inbetween me and the road... Finally i make a huge right turn up on two wheels, skidding outta there... jeez man - what is the world coming to... maybe in retrospect i shouldn't have given him that smart ass remark about me being smart enough to know that he was a fucking dick... but still - i mean WHO TRIES TO RUN SOMEONE OFF THE ROAD!!!